Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
