I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
