Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
