My first STD was from a foam party
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
