I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
