Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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