I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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