so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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