Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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