i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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