I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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