I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
