Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize