Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
