this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
