3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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