Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
