Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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