i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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