dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
too bad you live with your parents still
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
