you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
