The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
