Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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