I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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