Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
