Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
