I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
