Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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