Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
