I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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