Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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