the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
