Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
