what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
