Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
