he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize