I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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