I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
