3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
