I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
