I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
