so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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