Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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