How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
