got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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