Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
