so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
