we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
