ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
