You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
