just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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