You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
