I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
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I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
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Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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