The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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