I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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